Category: Personal

A Slice of My Life – Spencer is Six

February 6, 2013

Spencer’s birthday was on Saturday.  I am late writing his annual birthday post because of a meeting between my thumb and a cheese grater.  True to his special nature, Spencer has said to me, no less than ten times, “I’m sorry you hurt your thumb, mommy.”

When your children are young, every birthday is a big one. Parents of older children, does this continue to be true? Six feels big. I know when he turned three I said the same thing. And four and five. He is my baby, so every year that he gets farther away from chubby wrists and overalls and obsessions with construction vehicles feels like a loss to me. We can no longer shop in the toddler section of stores (which typically goes to size 5T) and sometimes when I see baby boy clothes, or even baby boys, I catch a sob in my throat.

So my little baby, who will still let me call you “my little baby”, who are you at six? This has been a big year for you. We moved from the only house and the only city you had ever known to a new house and a new city. And you started kindergarten, the beginning of your school journey. Both of those big transitions you took in stride. School has been a dream. You were very ready for kindergarten. You are lucky enough to have a wonderful teacher and I jokingly call you the mayor of your classroom. All the kids like you. Your teacher told us that he can put you at any table in his classroom and you work well with the other children. Your only fault in school, according to him, is that you tend to rush through your work. You are so busy and want to know what is next. Just like Daddy. You are very very bright. Just like Daddy. You hate to be wrong and hate to be hurt and hate to be embarrassed. Just like Daddy. You are very good at finding things. Just like Daddy.

I find so much joy in holding your hand, always warm and slightly sticky, and just talking with you. Your voice continues to be high and scratchy and I love the sound of it. You have so many funny ideas, so many good questions, so much curiosity about the world, and so much kindness in your heart. You play imaginative games with Legos and figures and most of the time you and Graham get along really well. You are interested in magic and science and you aren’t afraid of much.  You will go on a roller coaster with Daddy while Graham will sit on the sidelines with me.  You sometimes act as an interpreter for Graham when I don’t understand what he is saying and I hope you will continue to do for him, both with us and at school. You also tend to tattle a lot and have been to known to fall to the ground in frustration. Currently you play basketball and go to karate and watching you attempt jumping jacks, with your arms not quite in synch with your legs, makes me smile and tear up at the same time.

I walk you to school each day and you are heartbroken on the days when I need to drop you off. I know the day is coming when you won’t want me to walk you in at all. I cherish that you hold my hold all the way to your classroom, allow me to help you get your Darth Vader lunch box out of your Batman backpack, and that you allow me to sit in a kindergarten sized chair and give me hugs before your day in the classroom starts. (I have to sit in the chair rather than pick you up because you are *almost* too big for me to lift anymore.)

Your days are long and busy and ever since kindergarten started, you have asked me not to get in bed with you at night time. You are totally wiped at the end of the day and just want to go to sleep. You do ask me, every night, “If I have a bad dream, can I come and get you?” It is interesting that you have always, since you started to talk, had a bed time question. You hardly ever have nightmares but you do get the occasional bloody nose and have learned to grab a tissue before you come find me, rather than leaving a trail throughout the house.

This is the year you looks really different to me. You started losing teeth last winter (swallowing your first one), and this fall the top two came out. Your smile is still oh so sweet but the little Chicklets are gone and the new guys are a little crooked, spaced wide apart, and too big for your little mouth. You are so tall and while not quite lanky, the baby softness of your limbs and tummy leaves a bit more each year.  Your eyes are a cool shade of hazel and your lashes continue to be extra long and straight.  Just like Daddy.

Currently, you want to marry Brooke, a beautiful little girl in your class. She chose you over a boy named Charlie using the eenie meenie miney mo method, according to you.  When we talked about next year and entering into first grade, I mentioned that Brooke might not be in your class. You were dismayed and said, “But then she will forget about me!” I don’t think anyone could forget about you, my sweet.

 


Category: Family,Personal
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The New Year

January 4, 2013

In January of 2012, just after the New Year celebration, we went out to dinner with my friend Jen (she of the wonderful yoga retreats) and her husband Tom.  Jen told us that she begins each year by choosing a word for that year.  The word then becomes part of her life for the year in intentional and unintentional ways.  This is an endearing quality of Jen’s – she puts something out there that might sound weird coming out of someone else’s mouth but coming from her, it sounds perfectly reasonable.  Without thinking too carefully about it, the word that came to mind was “Push”.  As I sat with it that night and over the next couple of days, my mind went in the direction of my work.  “Push” meant teach more, attempt recipes I have been avoiding, create more original dishes.  It also meant “Push” outside my introvert nature and get in front of more industry people, maybe get established with an agent and start on the road to publishing a book.  I had no idea, in those January days a year ago, that what “Push” would ultimately mean is picking up my family and moving outside my comfortable and safe surroundings of the city in which I had spent almost my entire adult life.  “Push” meant leaving beloved friends and family, my career, a city that I knew inside and out, and embarking on new adventures in a new town.  Now, in my new surroundings, I no longer have my career but I am having to “Push” beyond my introvert nature in order to meet new friends.  I am having to “Push” to make sure my son Graham gets taken care of in his new school.

With so much  being new, I need to tell you that I am extra grateful to all of you who read this blog in this challenging and oh-so-rewarding year.  I have mentioned several times how I have lost my rhythm when it comes to blogging.  I miss it very much.  Writing is like a muscle in that, if you don’t exercise it often, you lose your strength, endurance, and flexibility.  Because I haven’t been posting regularly, it has become that much harder for me to sit down and just DO IT.  So here we go.  2013, new year, new routine.  I am committing to two food posts a week and one Slice of Life.  I was very touched by your comments on my last post and delighted to read that you like those posts.  (Comment #27 was particularly sweet.)  I got some interesting suggestions so I plan to mix it up on occasion and talk about other things besides just regular everyday life.  Sundays will be the day for these “other” posts and I’m thinking about featuring general thoughts on food and diet, party planning tips, general cooking tips, dinner party how-to’s, discoveries in the Bay Area, etc.  Any suggestions are welcome.

I hope that Santa or Hanukkah Harry was good to you.  I hope you have had a break from work or school.  I hope that on Tuesday morning, you woke up to a new day with new possibilities and joy in your heart.  I hope for the very best for you in 2013.


Category: Personal
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Eight

November 29, 2012

Today, Graham is eight.  He is the age I was when my youngest brother was born.  It’s been three years since I first wrote about my first and oh so special child.  At that time, I felt just the slightest bit bewildered by him.  Crazy overflowing amounts of love with just the stirrings of fear about what the future might bring.  By the time I wrote my second post, a subtle impatience was starting to take up residence in my psyche.  I have written other posts to celebrate his successes and some to celebrate his birthdays.  You see him often in my Slice of Life posts.  But I haven’t written much lately about how is doing and how I am doing with him.  This is a hard post to write, as all of them have been.  How do you talk about your child?  How do you begin to explain someone who you think is so incredibly wonderful but who can be a never-ending source of frustration?

I had a complete breakdown moment soon after we arrived in France in June, for our month long vacation.  Randy and I had just made the difficult decision to move to the Bay Area after years in Seattle.  I had gone through all the pros and cons in my mind ad nauseum.  In spite of leaving family, an incredible network of friends, my career, and a wonderful elementary school, we decided our family was ready for a new adventure.  The breakdown came when I circled back to thinking about Graham.  All of our wonderful friends who have children around his age have known him since he was a baby.  Graham is just Graham.  His quirks are just a small part of who he is.  Children who have always known him can appreciate that he is a sincere and loving child who wants nothing more than to play and laugh and eat snacks.  He is a little different and that fact does not seem to phase those who have always known him.  What about a completely new network of people?  How do I explain my child to families?  Should I have to?

Graham is in second grade.  He has an undefined developmental delay.  He is not on the autism spectrum.  He has an IEP (individualized education plan) which allows him to get help in the areas where he needs it, but he is in a regular classroom.  His delay affects his speech and cognition and because those two things are integral in interacting socially, he is delayed in that area too.   He is shockingly good at math and puzzles and things requiring spatial awareness.  His short term memory is terrible, his long term memory is scary good.  (He won’t remember where he put his pencil, but will remember an event that happened years ago just from a glance down a street.  I operate this way too.)

Graham continues to be a very even keel child.  He almost never gets upset and almost always goes with the flow.  This is surprising considering he doesn’t always understand exactly what is going on.  He is very well behaved in his classroom and at home.  He loves people and will strike up a conversation with just about anybody.  Adults and older children are utterly charmed by him but kids his age – not so much.

I used to wonder at what age kids would start to notice that there was something different about Graham and it turns out that second grade is the age.  He has been teased.  The kids nudge each other and ask, “What did he say?”  Some of them have hidden his lunch box from him and, according to Graham, they make fun of his clothes and his skin.  (He dresses well because I still pick out his clothes for him and he has dark skin.  I wasn’t aware that those were things that were tease-able offenses.)  I have talked to many friends about what is going on and most of them are horrified.  Most schools have a strict no-bullying policy and I’m sure ours is no different.  I know that kids are cruel.  I see most of the girls in his class completely ignoring him while they are catty behind each others’ backs and I thank the universe, for the umpteenth time, that Graham is not a girl.  (Disclaimer:  we know some amazing empathetic and kind girls who are absolutely lovely with Graham.)

And where am I in all of this?  I am heartbroken for him.  The fact that anyone would make fun of such a sweet soul makes me want to scream.  I am grateful that he still doesn’t know that anything is different about him and that he misses most of the eye rolling and nudging.  I am thankful that (still!) every time a new adult helper comes into his orbit, the first thing they tell me is how delightful he is.  Graham handled a huge transition – a move to a new state, new house, and new school – with a smile on his face and adventure in his heart.

Our next steps are to involve the principal and his teacher as much as possible.  Our hope is that getting some awareness about kids who are a little different at this still young age might nip some of the teasing in the bud.  We also plan to enroll Graham in some social therapy.  The idea is that there is truly a social language that most children learn naturally.  I see this with Spencer.  The way he interacts with his peers is not something I or Randy have taught him – he just picked it up.  Graham tries, he is so motivated to make friends, but his language delay sometimes makes it difficult.  So we will get him in a supervised play group where he will learn about how to be a good friend, how to appropriately interact with kids, and how to walk away from people who are being unkind.  That is the hope at least.

Whenever I write these posts about Graham, I get the most amazing and kindest comments and emails back.  Many of them applaud me for being a good mother.  Most days I feel like I am.  Some days I know I am not.  Graham tests my patience at some point everyday and sometimes all day.  I know we all get inpatient with our children and some of us yell.  When I get angry at Spencer, I rarely feel bad afterward.  He has done something he is not supposed to, he knows it, he does it anyway, and I get mad.  We talk about it afterward and we move on.  With Graham, the things that drive me to distraction about him are usually things he cannot help.  He doesn’t deliberately forget to bring home his jacket or the name of someone he has known since he was born – there is a section in his IEP about his memory.  It is truly impaired.  He doesn’t intentionally not listen to me, he only catches about three-quarters of what I say, if that.  He can’t help it if he just can’t grasp the concept of days getting darker, or geography, or many of the other things children his age just seem to get.

What makes me feel terrible about myself (at times) is that I believe that Graham tries his best at everything every day.  How many children can you say that about?  He is a first born, rule following, approval seeking, sweet-to-the-core kid.  Why do I feel embarrassed by him sometimes?  Why do I occasionally wish it was different in our house?  How can I hold him in my arms, almost unable to bear the sweetness, and then be driven to distraction by him not five minutes later?  Is it him that I wish was different, or myself?  I read something recently that said if we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we would grab ours back.  As much as I look to parents of typically developing children and envy them at times, I know that they have their own struggles, struggles I would not want.  And there are, of course, people who have it much worse than we do and those who have it unspeakably bad and when I think about those folks, I want to simultaneously squeeze Graham and hang my head in shame.

In all of this, I have to say a word about my amazing husband.  My Naval Academy educated, former Navy pilot, Harvard MBA, brilliant and athletically gifted husband.  If you had told me that we were going to have a child who had some undefined issues that would make school and team sports difficult for him, I might told you that Randy would would really struggle with that.  He takes great pride in his intelligence, his fearlessness, his drive, and his successes – as well he should.  I hope he also takes great pride in what a kind and loving father he is.  The man who tells you he has no patience is the one sitting with Graham helping him sound out his reading words over and over again.  He is the man taking him to Cub Scouts and soccer, helping him learn to ski, and is the first one to say that he doesn’t care if Graham goes to college at all as long as he is happy and healthy.  And out of the house by age 18.

This is a serious post.  So allow me to tell a funny story.  When Graham was in kindergarten, he was in the bathroom peeing and a mean boy pushed him.  This terrified Graham and ever since, he has sat down to pee.  (This is not the funny part.)  It’s not something we care about except when we are out and public toilets are sketchy, we are at a park and the restrooms are closed for the winter, or when we contemplate future camping trips with the Cub Scouts.  Randy and I have tried cajoling him, patiently sitting with him in the bathroom, bribing him, threatening him (I’m not proud), all to no avail.  Last week, Spencer wondered what would happen if we paid Graham a quarter each time he stood up and peed, with the promise of a toy when he reached eight times.  Wouldn’t you know it – he has stood up ever since.  Happy birthday my sweet eight year old boy.


Category: Family,Graham,Personal
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Curly Hair Public Service Announcement

October 11, 2012

Okey dokey.  I’m going to talk about my hair.  This is not a vanity project.  I am not going to tell you how gorgeous my hair is and how amazing I am at styling it.  There will be no beautiful photos of me and my hair, no how-to-step-by-step shots of me from wet to dry.  This is a public service announcement for those of us who have curly hair and struggle with it.  You may be a curly haired person who has already gone down this path and if so, you are wondering how did I not figure this all out sooner?  I have no idea.

Also, please let me say that if you are looking for better visuals, more verbose directions, specific product endorsements, just google “curly girl method” and you will be amazed by what is out there.  I am at the beginning of this journey and I just wanted to lay out what is working for me.  We all hear claims by companies that some product or method will Totally Change Your Life!!!  I have fallen prey to various claims over the years, especially with skin care and/or makeup, and my life has never been totally changed.  Nor has my skin.  This new way of relating to and caring for my hair has not changed my life, of course.  But it has changed my hair and my feelings about it.  Enough so that I want to share.  This post is not sponsored by anyone other than me.  I’ve linked to a few things that I have used and liked.  I just want to make it easier for you.

I’ve had curly hair all my life.  Straight haired people, say it with me, “Oh I love your hair!  I’ve always wanted curly hair!”  Really?  If so many staight-haired people wanted curly hair, then why are there places to get your hair blown out straight cropping up left and right?  These are things I don’t understand.  Curly hair is a challenge.  It never looks the same from day to day.  It tends to frizz.  It misbehaves in humidity.  It can be awkward and bed-head can be terrifying.

The history of my hair is that it was mostly short as a young child, mostly long as a teenager and into my 20′s, and mostly short as an adult.  I think, overall, I look better with short hair.  My curl is medium to quite curly.  Somewhere during my big hair phase (it was the 80′s and it was big), I realized that I am a relatively small person and I have a lot of hair and the proportion was just off.  I waited a few years until I had the confidence to cut it off and spent the rest of my adult life with it short.

This new way of being all started soon after our move to Oakland.  I live in Rockridge.  There are about 20 hair places in Rockridge.  I’m not kidding.  Because of this, I suddenly became aware that there are whole product lines devoted to curly hair.  How did I not know this before?  They must be in Seattle too but I was not aware of them.  I had never googled “curly girl method”.  I just used what I used and dealt with my hair on a day by day basis.  About 80% of the time I didn’t like how it looked and 20% of the time, I did.  I was in the midst of a slight grow-out with a giant chop looming in the future because of that 80/20 and now I’m feeling like I might even grow it long.  Ish.  I walked into one of those 20 salons in my neighborhood, one that had a giant advertisement in the window for curly hair products and asked some questions.  The next day, I liked my hair.  Four weeks later, I still like it.   I think, all in all, my hair looks different because a convergence of things.  Products, method, cut, and a dryer climate doesn’t hurt.  Let me break it down for you.

1.  The Cut.  There are a million people out there who cut hair.  See someone who is good at cutting curly hair.  Preferably someone who has curly hair themselves.  Some curly haired people will tell you that you must see someone who will cut your hair dry.  I’ve never had my hair cut dry and I’ve gotten a lot of good haircuts.  I think the person and their understanding of curly hair is more important than the method.  Most reputable places will allow you to do a consult, often for free, before deciding on a stylist.

2.  The Washing.  Up until very recently, I washed my hair everyday.  Always.  And now not anymore.  I guess in general no one should wash their hair everyday because it is unnecessarily drying and throws off the natural oils that the scalp produces.  My stylist told me I should wash my hair once or twice a week and that it would take a couple of weeks for my hair to readjust.  I have to admit, this was a hard one for me.  I have long struggled with my scalp and at first it was almost unbearably itchy.  Now I am washing my hair every third day and it seems to be going well.   I wet it and condition it everyday and it does not look greasy.  My hair is twice as soft as it used to be and is not frizzy.  And I’m not itchy anymore.  Added benefit, you don’t use as much shampoo and if you color your hair, the color does not fade as much.

3.  The Products.  If you have curly hair, you will want to buy products for specifically for curly hair.  Two months ago, I might have scoffed at this advice.  Shampoo is shampoo and conditioner is conditioner, right?  If I had not seen a complete change in the look and feel of my hair, I would agree with that statement.  Again, I think it is a combination of things that is making my hair look and feel better but the products are an important part.  This may take a bit of time to find what you like.  The place I walked into recommended Jessicurl and just needing a place to start, I went with it.  I’ve been using the shampoo and the conditioner and as soon as I started, my hair changed.  Downside: they have a flat and slightly funky smell and I get Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl stuck in my head every morning in the shower.  I’ve been using a great gel, Seasilk Oil Gel, from my pre-ephihany days and I continue to use and love it.  If you have a beauty supply place near you, I would say that is a good place to start as they tend to carry lots of different lines and sometimes have samples for you to try.  Yes, you will have to invest a bit.  The products I’m using are about $17 each.  I’ve always felt that it was important to use good shampoo so this was not a shock to me.  If you have been using Suave, you might get a bit of sticker shock.  But good products do make a (huge) difference.  It’s a small price to pay in the long run.

4.  The Drying.  If you are taking a terry cloth towel to your hair post shower and vigorously rubbing your hair and blowing it dry, you are not doing your curly hair any favors.  I’ve long known that the brush and the hair dryer are the enemies of curly hair (frizz and frizz!) but I thought all towels were created equal.  Nope.  You will want to either buy a special microfiber towel (DevaCurl makes a good one) or use a long sleeve t-shirt.  I have both and I like the t-shirt method better.  The towel is quicker so if you don’t want to walk around your house for 15 minutes with a t-shirt on your head, I would advise buying the towel.  Either way, you are starting with your hair sopping wet.  Turn off the shower and use your hands to squeeze a bit of water out of your hair but that’s it. 

For the towel: Turn your head upside down and, using the towel, start squeezing the water out of your hair but scrunching it up toward the scalp.  Stop and turn your head right side up and repeat.  Style immediately.  You still want your hair very wet but not dripping when you put the product in.

For the t-shirt: You employ a method called “plopping“.  I know this sounds ridiculous but it works.  My hair is still relatively short but I would imagine this is a necessity for longer hair.  Basically you are lowering your hair, while your head is upside down, onto the t-shirt.  This scrunches the curl against your head and totally eliminates frizz.  While your head is still upside down, you secure the shirt on your head using the sleeves.  I’m not very good at this but the most important thing is that all your hair is covered by the shirt.  I leave mine on for 10-15 minutes.  Take it off, give your head a good shake to loosen the curls from your head, and style immediately.  I always put most of the product in while my head is upside down, and then just a bit more while it is right side up.  You should use more product than you think you need.  Then don’t touch your hair until it is mostly or completely dry.  Then it is all right to use your hands to scrunch your curls.  This will make it look more natural and eliminate any “crunch” from your product.

All right, your turn.  Any tips, tricks, product loves?


Category: Personal
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She’s Leaving Home, Bye Bye

August 23, 2012

I remember, long ago, telling my dad one of my dreams as he drove me to school.  I chattered on and on about the crazy images I had seen in my sleep and at the end of my long tale my dad told me, very kindly, “It’s not actually that interesting to listen to someone describe their dreams”.

I think this is why I haven’t written that much about our big move.  A bit perhaps but not a lot of what I am thinking/feeling/obsessing about.  I’m not sure that reading about my excitement, fears and sadness would be all that interesting.  This is a food blog after all.  If you visit here regularly, chances are that you are looking for healthy vegetarian food or decadent treats.  Or perhaps you like reading a bit about my life.  Moving is a personal thing but not in the same way that having a challenging child is personal.  Moving is kind of boring to talk about or read about.  It is even boring to think about, so I haven’t shared much.

But the move is imminent and here is the deal.  I think I have readied myself for the big things.  I’ve been saying goodbye to my favorite places and my favorite people for weeks now.  I feel like I have been blowing kisses to Seattle for months now.  I said goodbye to my parents on Thursday and my brothers, sister-in-law and niece and nephew on Sunday.  I’ve been going through our house room by room, getting rid of all the things that we no longer need or will not have room for in our new, and smaller, house.  Randy and I have signed paperwork to buy and sell houses and we have gotten our kids into school in Oakland.  We have mapped out our route to drive south and secured temporary housing while we wait for our new house to close.  This move has been pending since June and I feel ready.

Except that Monday night I went to tuck both boys into bed and I realized, just as I was wrapping my body around Spencer’s, that it was his last night in his room.  This room that also happens to be the one to which that we brought him home from the hospital.  The only room that has ever really been his.  Where there once was a crib and a tiny bundle swaddled tight, there is now a big boy bed with Spiderman sheets (although he prefers Batman) and a big boy who got tears in his eyes that he tried to hide from me when I told him it was his last night here.  I said, “Spencer, moving is one of the hardest things that people do.”  To which he asked, “Harder than fishing?”  I cannot tell you how welcome that smile felt on my lips, so close was I to really losing it.

It started to become clear to me in that moment and more so later on when I went in to gaze at both of them as they slept, that it is not just my family, my friends, my house, my career, and our beloved school that I am saying goodbye to.  I am also saying goodbye to my past.  I have deep roots in Seattle, having moved here when I was five years old and lived here almost ever since.  I have memories in just about every corner of this city.  I bump into people I know all the time, from all walks of my life.  I’m saying goodbye to that past but also the more immediate one.  The one where I fell in love with Randy or was newly married or my children were babies.  That past is more tangible and it is hard enough for me to say goodbye to that I held onto tiny diapers in Spencer’s room, although he weighs nearly 50 pounds and hasn’t worn a diaper in almost three years.

I am writing this post late at night.  There have been many many nights that I have sat up late writing and writing, the only time I can find in my day to get my thoughts and my recipes onto the blog.  I finish, shut everything down, turn off all the lights, and make my familiar way up to the boys’ rooms to make sure their blankets are covering their ever-growing bodies, and on into my room and off to bed.  The next day holds certainty.  Boys I will wrangle, people I will see, errands I will do, food I will cook, exercise I will endure.  Now we shift.  Uncertainty for the next bit.  Until a time, hopefully not in the too distant future, that we will settle into new routines, a new life.

We will take three days to drive south.  We will spend the morning of our tenth anniversary river rafting on the Rogue River and then sleep at a motel in Chico, California.  We hope to move into our house in the first week of September.  I am not sure when I will be back in real time, connected once again to this blog, but I have some posts planned in the interim.  I know this year has been the Year Of Blogging Hiatus.  I promise I will be back soon.

 

 


Category: Family,Personal
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