Yesterday was a big one in our house.  It was Graham’s first day of kindergarten.

When he was an infant, I actually imagined this day.  At that time, I could not ever see myself being apart from him for a whole day.  I could not imagine a day when I would put him on a bus and into the care of a bus driver, a teacher, and school children – all of whom would be strangers.  I could not believe he would ever be a big boy because, as we all know, it is big boys (and girls) who go to kindergarten.

Having children is complicated.  You don’t go from those confusing and highly emotional days of your child being an infant to getting on the school bus at age 5¾ overnight.  There are many transitions, many milestones, many ups and downs, and in our case, another child added to the family along the way.  There are babysitters, play groups, and preschools that prepare you for the separation and for the school journey.  There are also things like the terrible two’s or three’s or even four’s which make it very clear that having your child in the care of someone else might be a very good thing for a time.

This is not Graham’s first time getting on a school bus.  He spent all last year in an afternoon developmental preschool and came home four days a week on a bus.  I walked through the halls of a real live public school (as opposed to his regular little kid preschool) with him on those days trying to stay out of the way of the 5th graders running out the door for recess.  I got a real taste for what kindergarten would be for him.

So, I figured I was ready.  I didn’t think that I would be an emotional wreck sending him off on his first day.  Because he is such an easygoing child, I knew that he would have a relatively easy time with this next step in his life.  He did say to me, “I might be a little bit scared so I will give you a hug”, which very nearly broke my heart.  When the time came and the little bus came barreling down our street, chaos overtook emotion.  It was pouring down rain and I was trying to keep both Spencer and Graham dry with one umbrella.  I had to muscle myself, Graham, Spencer, and the umbrella on the bus conscious all the while of the long line of cars waiting for us to do so.  I was too fixated on getting Graham’s ancient seatbelt buckled and keeping Spencer from jumping on the seats to feel emotional.  For his part, Graham was so thrilled that the kid across the aisle from him had the same Spiderman backpack! that he just waved me off.  Once off the bus, we gave a quick wave and then headed around our to our car so I could drive Spencer to school.

Dropping my younger son off, same preschool but different classroom, is where I started to feel the tingle in my nose and the pressure in my throat.  Spencer is my less snuggly child but he likes a big hug before I leave him there.  He, more than Graham, seemed to sense a change.  That his days of the extremely nuturing Green Room had given way to the greater expectations of the Orange Room and he was reluctant to let me go.

The tears actually came once home and while sorting through their clothes.  I was pulling tags off their new things and sorting through the things that no longer fit.  Graham’s size 5T things made their way to rest a year in Spencer’s closet while Spencer’s 3T things went into a bag for a friend.  I pulled out a certain shirt, nothing special – just blue with white stripes – and that was when I started crying.  I swear it was yesterday that we bought that shirt for Graham.  We were in Sun Valley with my family.  There was a great sale at one of the kids’ clothing stores and we bought it for him even though it was the size that he was almost growing out of, and it was short sleeved, and the summer was ending.  I was pregnant at the time, about to find out the sex of that second baby and I thought, “Maybe it will be a boy and he can wear this shirt even if Graham never gets a chance to before cold weather sets in.”

Graham did wear that shirt a few times and I did have another boy who did wear that shirt and now that shirt is too small.  I wasn’t crying just in a “where did the time go?” kind of way but in a “while I have been yelling at my kids to put their shoes on and hustling them out the door and rushing from place to place and not taking them to the park enough and threatening them with no dessert if they don’t finish their dinner, they have outgrown this shirt” kind of way.

Every mother I know feels some degree of this failing.  Having children is difficult, draining.  Joyful of course too.  I am forever trying to be more present in the joy than in the challenges.  I could go on and on in this post talking about the unique challenges that Graham presents but instead I will tell you that I am very proud of him.  He had a wonderful first day.  He ate all of his lunch, he loved the bus, he played basketball at recess, and he went to bed early.

(All three boys in their “Daddy shirts”.)